Dearest readers, I'm overjoyed to announce my newest contributor, James Napoli. A renaissance man if I've ever met one, James' talents and charm far exceed that of the average college students. I could go on, but I'll let his snappy, arousing prose speak for itself. Enjoy!
According to the Merriam Webster Collegiate Dictionary, Juicy is defined as, “having much juice: succulent” Some dictionaries even go as far as to use a juicy pear as an example. Now, this has got to be one of my favorite definitions of all time. Mostly because of how often the word is used for something that does NOT correlate with the definition. Want an example? OK, sweatpants. Have you ever seen girls walking around whatever town you come from, wearing sweatpants with the word Juicy plastered across their ass? These girls usually saunter about with their tight little asses moving sensuously up and down as they walk. They know that you’re staring, most likely drooling as you stand at the self-serve gas station. Presumably, they bought the pants in question because they believed them to be -on some bizarre level-sexy. Don’t get me wrong now, girls look very, very nice in a tight little pair of sweats, but the word juicy just throws me off. I mean honestly, what does that even imply? Does this poor girl have a terrible case of jungle rot, or is she leaking some sort of discharge? I really just don’t get it. I mean, since the word juicy implies something wet, why in God’s Green Earth is it being compared to someone’s buttocks? It’s ridiculous, and I don’t know about other guys, but a wet ass really doesn’t get my jollies going.
You’re probably thinking to yourself, what the hell is this guy talking about? So what if she’s got a little sweat beading up on her ass, that’s usually a turn on when I watch porn. Au contraire, mi amigo. Maybe a little anecdote will knock you to your senses. Picture this, you’re making out with some chick in the backseat of your 1998 Camry, and she’s hot. I mean smoking fucking hot. She’s got these smoldering eyes that immediately make you think of sex, and her tits are fine as hell. So, being the baller that you think you are, decide to nonchalantly slide your hand down her back and underneath the elastic band of her sweatpants. She doesn’t seem to mind, and she presses her taught hips even more tightly against yours, arching her back ever so slightly. Score, you think to yourself, this chick’s a fucking slut. Then, as you slide your hand deeper into unexplored territory, and her breathing starts to get heavy, something goes horribly, horribly wrong. Your hand is soaking wet. Soaking, fucking wet, with God knows what. In the midst of your panic attack, after you dry your hand off on something (most likely her shirt that found its way on the floor) you notice that stamped across her ass is the word Juicy. That my friend, is what I call a boner killer. So please, girls-please. Keep is sexy, keep it gangsta, keep it dry.
You’re probably thinking to yourself, what the hell is this guy talking about? So what if she’s got a little sweat beading up on her ass, that’s usually a turn on when I watch porn. Au contraire, mi amigo. Maybe a little anecdote will knock you to your senses. Picture this, you’re making out with some chick in the backseat of your 1998 Camry, and she’s hot. I mean smoking fucking hot. She’s got these smoldering eyes that immediately make you think of sex, and her tits are fine as hell. So, being the baller that you think you are, decide to nonchalantly slide your hand down her back and underneath the elastic band of her sweatpants. She doesn’t seem to mind, and she presses her taught hips even more tightly against yours, arching her back ever so slightly. Score, you think to yourself, this chick’s a fucking slut. Then, as you slide your hand deeper into unexplored territory, and her breathing starts to get heavy, something goes horribly, horribly wrong. Your hand is soaking wet. Soaking, fucking wet, with God knows what. In the midst of your panic attack, after you dry your hand off on something (most likely her shirt that found its way on the floor) you notice that stamped across her ass is the word Juicy. That my friend, is what I call a boner killer. So please, girls-please. Keep is sexy, keep it gangsta, keep it dry.
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